The Resurrection

I'm dying.

Aren't we all?

We all are headed for death.

But in between birth and death,

We have to exist.

We have to live.

Life is our greatest reward for dying.

Living is our majestic revenge to death.

-M.G.

I am alive! I lived! After a year of hiatus, I am finally blogging, again. I cannot promise to get back into blogging like how I used to, but I will try my best to blog every once in a while.

What transpired in my life during my blogging hiatus? The following are the highlights:

April 2014

I enjoyed my summer vacation with my family, relatives and friends.

I got into a relationship.

May 2014

I watched 2NE1's All or Nothing World Tour concert in SM MOA Arena with ate KF.

Mama and I had fun at Ocean Park and Star City.

June 2014

I volunteered in Gawad Kalinga Bayani Challenge, and asked mama to be with me. It was held in San Remigio. We found new friends who are fellow volunteers - Team Hugot!

June 2014 - March 2015

Third year in law school.

November 2014

I went home to surprise my father on his birthday, but he was rushed to the hospital on that day due to severe stomach pains. He was hospitalized for four days. Thank God, he is fine now.

December 2014

Bianca, Niña and I got our very first tattoo done by no other than Sir Carlo Gabiana.

January 2015

Mama and I volunteered in Gawad Kalinga Daanbantayan Profiling.

I was diagnosed with acute gastritis.

Ate Ira came home after a year of working abroad and stayed here for forty days.

I celebrated my 23rd birthday.

February 2015

I suffered from acute pharyngitis and fever.

We spent happy time with the family as Ate Love, Blake, Juancio, Tito Jay and ate Yak came here for a vacation.

March 2015

I was absent for almost three weeks from school, because of my gastritis and fever. The pain is unbearable that I just curl up in bed, crying.

April 2015

I had an endoscopy in order to check my stomach. It sucks. I do not want to undergo endoscopy ever again. Sadly, I have erosive gastritis. My entire stomach was swollen and was full of wounds. The bile would also go up my stomach instead of going down to my small intestines. I am almost positive for H. Pylori bacteria. I have to avoid stress and certain types of food, such as coffee, chocolates, tea, milk, citrus fruits, spicy food, fatty food, etc. This is probably one of the hardest challenges in my life. This gastritis is chronic. The doctor said that it will never go. If I become too stressed or if I eat those food, I will experience pain again. Sometimes, I don't even know what to eat anymore. Health is wealth. I'm learning that lesson the hard way.

May 2015

Enjoying the remaining days of my summer vacation with family and friends.

I wrote that poetry above on October 2014, but I only posted it on March, because I honestly thought that I was dying due to the pain that I was feeling. I always try to think positively, but sometimes the negative thoughts would creep into my mind. I was depressed. I thought I had cancer or something. I was always crying. I was so down. I just wanted to stop. I wanted the world to stop. I was suffering too much, that I wanted the world to wait for me.

Right now, I don't know what the world holds for me. One thing I know for sure, God is with me. Whatever happens, He will be with me on my road to recovery; in my fight; in my journey. He will never leave me. I have failed God so many times, but God forgives me countless times. I can never thank Him enough for being with me all throughout. God's love for me is beyond measure and beyond comprehension. I am a sinner, but I am a believer. I believe in God. I believe in the universe. I believe in myself. I will be okay. Everything is gonna be okay. In Jesus' name. Amen.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

(1 Corinthians 13:13)

The Fault In My Planet

When I look at the death of other people, I cry. Not because of the death of the departed, but because of the agony of the ones who are left behind. The dead is gone. He does not feel anymore. He does not need my tears or my lamentations. But the family and friends bearing all the sadness of his passing… these are the ones whom my heart aches for. Because they are alive and they can feel the pain of loss and longing. They are hurt, while the dead is not. I yearn to console them with all of my being, but how, that I do not know. I can never master the art of comforting people.

This is even true in case the departed is a loved one, not just someone who I do not know or do not care about. I will cry hysterically and question the universe, question God. I will initially never understand why that person has to be taken away from us; why he has to leave. I will mourn. However, after accepting the fact of death, and after my brain has processed the information, I see my other loved ones grieving. That is when I feel a greater and deeper wound forming inside of me. I feel an obligation to somehow fill in the void that was created by death; to complete the emptiness. However, this will never hold true if my father dies, because he is my life - the very core reason of my existence;  my pressure point. He is an exception to everything that I have ever believed in. I have to be strong for others and to go on with life for my remaining loved ones, I have to live for my mother, but what do you do of a dead soul? What do you make of a spiritless human body?

A reflection after reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green, after crying yesterday night trying to comfort my cousin who was missing her deceased father, after watching John Watson mourn over Sherlock’s fake death, and other circumstances where too many a times I’ve realized this. I did not cry when Augustus died. I thought that maybe because I was never in love so I cannot imagine losing the great love of my life (which is non-existent). But I cried when Morrie died in Tuesday’s with Morrie even if I had no dying teacher when I read it. I did not cry about Hazel’s reaction, but I was very concerned on how she was doing; how she was coping, and I felt like I had to comfort her in some way. I thought I was going to cry a bucket of tears when reading this book, but the truth was, I was only teary-eyed at some point, but it was only after reading the last part of Augustus’ letter that my tears cascaded.

"You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers".  --Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars

The quote strikes me profoundly, because I am hurt. That is a fact that the universe knows. I have scars, but I love the person who hurts me. I don’t just like my choices, I love my choices.

And if I will ever leave a legacy, which are too often scars, the world must know my story that I love my father so deeply and vastly as the universe despite the reality that he is the one and only person who hurts me the most.

I love my mother so deeply and vastly as the universe, but she does not hurt me as much. Her love for me and my siblings is immeasurable and beyond comprehension. But if she dies, my soul will live, because her soul will be there beside my soul, holding it, embracing it, nurturing it, just like what mothers always do. Understand that I may love them differently, but I love them equally.

Love,
Mars Gemilga

The Road to Happiness

Smile! :)

Oh, hello guys! Did you miss me? I know it has been decades since I updated my blog. I must admit, I lost my love for blogging. I honestly lost myself last year. It was difficult. Everything just blew out of proportion. Everything was broken and the pieces scattered across the universe. It was somehow impossible to find those pieces and put them back together. Imagine how vast the universe is. I got so wounded and damaged. A broken soul lost in the infinite space; wandering and floating aimlessly. My uncle, who I treated as second father, passed away last December. The year ended with tragedy. I welcomed 2014 with sorrow. 

I stopped. I was static, but the world did not stop for me. The world will never stop for anyone. It will continue to rotate and revolve, so I had to move. I had to fix myself. I cannot stay that way. Where was the happy, lively, positive Marcel? Where is the warrior spirit of Mars? I know I had to stand up and get myself back on track. Life will never run out of drama. Life is fucked up. It's a given. The way you handle yourself and the way you face life's absurdities will make you who you are. No matter the circumstances, you strive to be a better person. You fight for happiness. 

I am Mars, the God of War, the victorious warrior planet, 

and I am waging a war for happiness to reign in the universe.

Happiness is a  state of mind. You decide to be happy. It is your choice. You master your mind and create happiness all around you. There is so much to be thankful for and to be happy about. Yes, we have problems. Honey, I know what darkness is. I know it very much. I've been there for so long. In fact, there is still darkness in my life, but my sunshine is too bright that the darkness burns and fades into nothingness. You are too beautiful and amazing to stay under the dark. Do not let anyone dull your sparkle. Let your light shine, darling. You have the capacity to live a wonderful life. 

Of course, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. We are still humans after all (but I claim to be a superhuman). What is important is that we do not dwell in that state of sadness. Allow yourself to feel the pain, but after that, let it go. Release the pain and sadness. Think of happy thoughts. Do something you love. Enjoy the world. Life is magnificent if you change your perspective. Change the way you see the world and everything will be bearable. My life is too far from perfect, but I am enjoying my journey because I see beauty in everything. 

We are powerful. You have the power to give meaning to your life. Master that. Share that power to your community. Sprinkle positivity and good vibes everywhere. Raise your flags, beautiful warriors. Spread happiness!