Monday, April 14, 2014

The Fault In My Planet

When I look at the death of other people, I cry. Not because of the death of the departed, but because of the agony of the ones who are left behind. The dead is gone. He does not feel anymore. He does not need my tears or my lamentations. But the family and friends bearing all the sadness of his passing… these are the ones whom my heart aches for. Because they are alive and they can feel the pain of loss and longing. They are hurt, while the dead is not. I yearn to console them with all of my being, but how, that I do not know. I can never master the art of comforting people.
This is even true in case the departed is a loved one, not just someone who I do not know or do not care about. I will cry hysterically and question the universe, question God. I will initially never understand why that person has to be taken away from us; why he has to leave. I will mourn. However, after accepting the fact of death, and after my brain has processed the information, I see my other loved ones grieving. That is when I feel a greater and deeper wound forming inside of me. I feel an obligation to somehow fill in the void that was created by death; to complete the emptiness. However, this will never hold true if my father dies, because he is my life - the very core reason of my existence;  my pressure point. He is an exception to everything that I have ever believed in. I have to be strong for others and to go on with life for my remaining loved ones, I have to live for my mother, but what do you do of a dead soul? What do you make of a spiritless human body?
A reflection after reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Green, after crying yesterday night trying to comfort my cousin who was missing her deceased father, after watching John Watson mourn over Sherlock’s fake death, and other circumstances where too many a times I’ve realized this. I did not cry when Augustus died. I thought that maybe because I was never in love so I cannot imagine losing the great love of my life (which is non-existent). But I cried when Morrie died in Tuesday’s with Morrie even if I had no dying teacher when I read it. I did not cry about Hazel’s reaction, but I was very concerned on how she was doing; how she was coping, and I felt like I had to comfort her in some way. I thought I was going to cry a bucket of tears when reading this book, but the truth was, I was only teary-eyed at some point, but it was only after reading the last part of Augustus’ letter that my tears cascaded.
"You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers".  --Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars
The quote strikes me profoundly, because I am hurt. That is a fact that the universe knows. I have scars, but I love the person who hurts me. I don’t just like my choices, I love my choices.
And if I will ever leave a legacy, which are too often scars, the world must know my story that I love my father so deeply and vastly as the universe despite the reality that he is the one and only person who hurts me the most.
I love my mother so deeply and vastly as the universe, but she does not hurt me as much. Her love for me and my siblings is immeasurable and beyond comprehension. But if she dies, my soul will live, because her soul will be there beside my soul, holding it, embracing it, nurturing it, just like what mothers always do. Understand that I may love them differently, but I love them equally.
Mars Gemilga

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The Road to Happiness

Smile! :)

Oh, hello guys! Did you miss me? I know it has been decades since I updated my blog. I must admit, I lost my love for blogging. I honestly lost myself last year. It was difficult. Everything just blew out of proportion. Everything was broken and the pieces scattered across the universe. It was somehow impossible to find those pieces and put them back together. Imagine how vast the universe is. I got so wounded and damaged. A broken soul lost in the infinite space; wandering and floating aimlessly. My uncle, who I treated as second father, passed away last December. The year ended with tragedy. I welcomed 2014 with sorrow. 

I stopped. I was static, but the world did not stop for me. The world will never stop for anyone. It will continue to rotate and revolve, so I had to move. I had to fix myself. I cannot stay that way. Where was the happy, lively, positive Marcel? Where is the warrior spirit of Mars? I know I had to stand up and get myself back on track. Life will never run out of drama. Life is fucked up. It's a given. The way you handle yourself and the way you face life's absurdities will make you who you are. No matter the circumstances, you strive to be a better person. You fight for happiness. 

I am Mars, the God of War, the victorious warrior planet, 
and I am waging a war for happiness to reign in the universe.

Happiness is a  state of mind. You decide to be happy. It is your choice. You master your mind and create happiness all around you. There is so much to be thankful for and to be happy about. Yes, we have problems. Honey, I know what darkness is. I know it very much. I've been there for so long. In fact, there is still darkness in my life, but my sunshine is too bright that the darkness burns and fades into nothingness. You are too beautiful and amazing to stay under the dark. Do not let anyone dull your sparkle. Let your light shine, darling. You have the capacity to live a wonderful life. 

Of course, it is okay to be sad. It is okay to cry. We are still humans after all (but I claim to be a superhuman). What is important is that we do not dwell in that state of sadness. Allow yourself to feel the pain, but after that, let it go. Release the pain and sadness. Think of happy thoughts. Do something you love. Enjoy the world. Life is magnificent if you change your perspective. Change the way you see the world and everything will be bearable. My life is too far from perfect, but I am enjoying my journey because I see beauty in everything. 

We are powerful. You have the power to give meaning to your life. Master that. Share that power to your community. Sprinkle positivity and good vibes everywhere. Raise your flags, beautiful warriors. Spread happiness!