Tuesday, October 27, 2009

simple logic

Lately, my posts have been outbursts of emotions, especially sadness, but I don't want to forever dwell in these sad confines.

I said I can never be happy, but as long as my father is alive and healthy, I'd be. My father is alive, but is not entirely healthy. He still suffers from fever, it never leaves him. He says he's so tired. I never knew the whole story, until my mom finally unraveled it all. Tears were slowly forming in her eyes while sharing the story; how my father acts and says like he was going to perish, soon. Statements like, "Take care of our children", "I'm so tired", he was losing hope.

I try to find things that could make me happy. Big Bang makes me happy, G-Dragon makes me happy, Lakers winning makes me happy, Kobe makes me happy, my friends can make me happy.

There are hundreds of factors that could make me happy, even food can, but I'm home. My father is here, now, they arrived here yesterday. Seeing my father breathe deeply, when I touch him, he is so hot, he doesn't feel well, he doesn't like to eat, seeing him in a condition that no one ever asked to be in, sadness just digs deeper into my heart.

How could I ever be happy? If I go out and have some fun, my mind still searches its way to the part of my brain where my father lies. Then I come to think, how dare I to party here, yet my father is suffering. I should be damned for having fun, yet my mother is suffering, of all the people, she is the one who directly feels what my father feels. She doesn't suffer form the diseases, but she witnessed what my father is going through, she knows, she's the half of my father's heart.

I'm so boring right now. I just am. I'm just plain boring. Sadness is boring, being sad is boring. I want to be happy, again. I miss being feisty.

There's only one way for all of us to become happy, again. My father should be healthy. If my father is healthy, we will all be happy. As simple as that. It's logic. God, be with us.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

my daddy :'(

Part 3. "SAD"

I received a text message from mama, she was asking how was our enrollment, but of course I didn't tell her about the freaking 5.0 grade, she would freak out, and I don't want to sadden my father about it, either.

My sister Ira also received a text message from mama, stating that they won't be able to depart for Cebu, because my papa got fever and is feeling really cold. If my father will be fine and can carry himself, they would depart for Cebu tomorrow.

My mother said that my father has been suffering from fever and extreme chills(feeling really cold, not sure if hypothermia) for five days already. She asked us, again, to pray always, and that my papa is pitiful, in a sense that we express pity with sadness and compassion.

I cried, again, but I wasn't hysterical, it was just a soft cry, little tears falling, following the contour of my face.

Prayers work, right? "Prayers work", this used to be the title of my multiply site, because I believe they do. I pray, God, I pray, and please grant our prayers. I love my father.

HUh..why are problems coming my way? :'(

Now, every time my smart phone beeps, I'm afraid I'm going to receive another text message from mom that is tears-inducing. I hope not.

back to original

Part 2. "HAPPY"

I never get tired if this phrase, "back to original"(the title of this post). It's because when Chrisia and Bianca were gone from our group--the big bang acafeelers, viva fret teamed up with us, and repa Ninz. We became the 8DL's, it originally meant delicious, but we jokingly want it be named drug lords. Jel had an evil plan, if Chrisia will be back, it will be back to original. It means, the 8DL will be gone, we'll be big bang acafeelers, again(bianca missing), they'd be viva fret, again, and Ninz will be alone. HAHA. It's really funny.

Chrisia will be enrolling, again, this semester. She went to school yesterday and we had fun. We ate lunch at a food store near the road. We really want to eat pork teriyaki, but it's was unavailable at that time, so we ate mushcream. Mushcream is a sauce(pronounced mistakenly by the order-taker) made up of mushroom and cream, but it's a meal, so the whole package was a bowl of rice, with beef and mushcream. I actually went for mushcream because Chrisia and Christine call me MUSH, but we all ordered mushcream, it sounds scrumptious.

It was honestly the first time we ate in that food store, it was open, and by open, I mean, no walls, no doors, no room, there was just a big umbrella up on the floor, tables and chairs. If you say dirty, perhaps it was, because the dust could just easily hit our food. While I was eating, I kept on covering my bowl. The food store isn't unsanitary, it was just basically a little food stand. You just order there, and you go to the umbrella-protected tables and chairs.

We weren't satisfied with the food, we wanted more mushcream. The food didn't really matter to us, what mattered was our laughter and our chats. Jel arrived late. She let us wait for her, and it was worth the wait. We talked and laughed, and talked and laughed.

I was just happy, back with the old days. I reminisce the past, we, hanging out together, except that Bianca wasn't there, and Star was there. It's not like I don't like Star to be there, I like her to be there, and I also like Grace to be there, too. It would be much more fun. Imagine Grace and Chrisia in one table. Huh, I could just picture out what this semester would be. HAHA. These two just produce the laughter and smiles out of us.

These people could make me happy, a little break from all the problems that are coming my way. I know this is a bit mushy, but thank you guys, really.

a freaking 5.0 grade?

Part I. "SAD"

This semester(or last semester), our major is POSC 110 by Sir Poca. We all got a near-failing grade in the midterm, so we tried our best in our final exam.

I got 35/50 in the final exam, and Sir Poca said that the final exam will cover half of the final grade. 35 is good, and he said those who got 10 below is sure to fail, those who got 10-20 has some chance not to fail, and of course, those who got 20 up won't fail. I got 35, so I was complacent that I won't fail.

Some of my classmates already knew their grades, Jel who got 11 in the final exam got 3.0, which is the passing grade, Grace who got 13 also got 3.0, and others who got a lower score than me passed. Who wouldn't be chill and relaxed?

When I saw my grade, a freaking 5.0 grade, I was terribly shocked! How the hell did I get that grade? Mel, who also got 35 in the final exam, got 2.1, and why didn't I? I should also get a grade like that, a 2.0 or a 2.2, or something just close, but a freaking 5.0 grade?

My classmates were also all shocked and doubtful. They all knew I got a wrong grade.

I couldn't explain what i felt, I was just SAD. Who wouldn't be sad if you get a 5.0 when you know you don't deserve it? I was determined to confront Sir Poca and ask him about my grade. Even Ms. Bren was concerned with my grade. She checked the records of Sir Poca, and asked me if I miss any requirements, because there's a box there where I got a 5.0, but she doesn't know what it is for. She told me that my final grade is 4.4(or something) so Sir Poca just reported 5.0, it's a standard. She told me to talk to Sir Poca, everyone told me to talk to Sir Poca.

Good thing Sir Poca arrived early. Some speculated he's gonna arrive at 1pm, because he was doing his show, and it was still 9am(or was that 10?). I approached him, told him that I passed all the requirements, that I was always present, that I got 35 out of 50 in the final exam, that I got 2.5 in the midterm grade, and all. He searched something in his drawer, then he said it was a wrong input. He told me to constantly remind him about it. I got hope. I know where I stand, so I'm gonna fight for it. This grade should be corrected as soon as possible, because I'm aiming to be a DL, again. I hope this will turn out right. I pray.

I think I was able to burst it out, now. Huh!!! Why are problems coming my way?! Arghh!

Our Enrollment

It's been a week, days pass so fast like a balloon pricked, and blast.

Huh.. and problems keep coming my way. WTH? Why, the heaven?

To keep up with my blog, I'll write regarding yesterday's happening in three separate posts. It's gonna be long if I compile them in one post, so better divide them. This post is to synthesize my "October 23, 2009" day. It was a looong day, and this day brought me two distinct and strong emotions, which are overused by many, but mostly me.

SADNESS and HAPPINESS. [Oh I can hear Big Bang's TOP's voice saying this in MY HEAVEN]

Yesterday was a transition of sadness and happiness. I was happy, then sad, then happy, then sad.

First, I was happy, because I saw my classmates, again, we talked and laughed.

Second, then I became sad, because I got a grade of 5.0 in my major. I'm sure as hell that I don't deserve that grade.

Third, I was happy, again, because Chrisia was there.

Fourth, I became sad, again, because we received another text message from our mama about the condition of my dad.

The three following posts will be narrating about the second, third, and fourth points. Since the first point, where i was happy, is just normal and nothing new, so I won't talk about it. I always get to see those faces, so sorry classmates, no special post for you.

Saturday, October 17, 2009


I once told Jel that I'm not a happy person anymore. I realized that I'm not. I once was very happy. I had no problems, no life dramas, no crying moments, uhm, no serious crying moments, rather. I had the loudest laugh of all. I was always smiling. Roy even told me last year, that I'm such a jolly person, because I always smile and laugh. Now, I may still always laugh and smile, and I may still have the loudest laugh of all, that it annoys other people and make them think I have ADHD, and the stench of my breath may be appalling, too, for all I know, but in the core, I'm not really happy. Laughing and smiling are just superficial, but what I feel beyond the surface isn't really happiness, I sure know I'm unhappy, and I'm not as happy as what I used to.

Where did my happiness go? I had some suspects of what causes my unhappiness. Here are the list of my suspects:

~Kobe Bryant, my dream of seeing him play with the Lakers in the Staples Center seems so impossible. Details of this dream, and why it's impossible is stated in my blog,CONFESSIONS OF A LOS ANGELES LAKERS LOVER, bottom part, DREAM 2.

~G-Dragon, I love him so much, I wanna marry him and have kids with him, he may be a reason for my happiness (which I misconstrued, as I claimed in my previous post), but to think that I could never have him breaks my heart, he's a HEARTBREAKER.

~Big Bang, they are my idol group, I'm obsessed with them, they make me laugh and scream, and dare I say, happy, but they also make me sad because I could never be close with them.

~JESUS, of course He's not making me unhappy, but I used to treat him as my best friend, we were so close, we were real friends, talking with Him, He's like a journal, He knows everything about me, and I don't have to explain myself to Him, but now, I'm so far away from Him.

~FRIENDS, meg, leslie, catherine, achellie, my friends in high school(IV-O), and my friends in summer(MRD & totoot gals), I miss them so much, our time spent, our memories together, and I could only spend less time with them, than before. Also with the VIP's bianca and crixa.

~FAMILY, there's nothing wrong with our family, it's just that we live here in Cebu, but my dad and most of my relatives live in Mindanao, our real home, I miss them so much. You know, nostalgia.

~FATHER, I have nothing against my father, and I love him so much. I have declared in my previous post about my father, A PRAYER and I don't want to fill this post reiterating my statements, but I'm sad, really sad and unhappy of his situation and of what he's going through.

That's the list, I still don't know what really is the reason for my unhappiness, but I sure know it's one of those, or possibly, all of them. I just hope I'll be happy more than ever.

A Prayer

I sought boredom-breaking habits for this sembreak, so I started blogging, again. After the two blogs I posted, I cannot seem to find another topic. Few days I've been searching what to post that is of my interest. Still, I haven't found one. My brain's slowly depleting.

Suddenly, one night(or dawn, that was 2am), after watching WHAT LIES BENEATH in Star Movies, my sister received a text message from my mother. The text message wasn't really sent at 2am, it was sent earlier, but we didn't notice it, since we were watching the movie. [Date: Oct. 16, 2009, Grandfather John's death anniversary]

The text message stated [translated version]:
"Ira, you should always pray that your father be healed from his illnesses/diseases. He is very pitiful here, he cries thinking of what will ever happen to us when he's gone".

The text message brought us agony, and we went crying and weeping for more than an hour. As I am writing this, tears keep streaming down my cheeks.

It breaks my heart to think that my father cries for us. To think that he'll be gone is even worse. We prayed and prayed. I went to our altar and prayed for more than thirty minutes. I just kept crying and praying. I can only pray.

Yes, my father was right, what will ever happen to us if he's gone. What will ever happen to me? I would sure die inside, too. I don't know, I stated I'd commit suicide, but I don't know. I really don't know. My father is very important to me. I love my father so much. I love my Papa Topher so much. I would offer my life for him. I told God, that he should take my life instead, in exchange for my father's. Nobody depends on my life. But the life of my father, our family depends on him, not only us, but the residents of the barangay he is chairman of, my relatives, and others.

The health of my father has been our problem. He has been taking medications, but he still suffers. One time, he lost hope and said he would quit taking the medicines, since nothing is happening, it's just taking his money. The medicines are very expensive, yet they seem not doing its functions to my father's health. My father is still so young, he's only 44, but he is very sickly. Please God, heal my father. Calling all saints, heal my father. Don't take my father away from us.

I have claimed that my happiness is G-Dragon and Kobe Bryant. I knew that it wasn't eternal, I knew that it's a misconception of happiness, but I was stubborn. I have misconstrued happiness. Now, I finally realized what my happiness really is. My happiness is my father, my family, the most significant persons in my life. I would wither if something painfully, awfully bad would happen to them.

Please God, I'm begging you, I would give and do everything for my father. Just let him stay with us longer, much much longer, in a healthy condition. Heal him. Heal my father. Lord, I offer my life to you, you the Almighty Father. Now, I offer my life for my father. Be with him God, be with my father. I can only pray.

I love you so much my Papa Topher. I love you. You are my life. Just stay. Stay right here with us. I will never be happy, but you, my papa, as long as you're here, alive and healthy, I would be more than happy. Please God, please, I love you with all my heart, my mind, and soul, and so do I with my father. Father, please, Amen.

Monday, October 12, 2009


stupid tonight~

Photo: Getty Images

Admit it, who doesn't love food?
I'm one of the billions of people who absolutely adore food. For that reason, I am FAT. It's is a major obvious that I am.

I'm the GIRL with the half-wet shirt. If you compare me to the other girl, who is my sister, and to the other GIRL, who is my niece, we have a strong evidence that I'm chubby. I am emphasizing the word GIRL, because the one in the middle is NOT a girl.

I love being fat. I do not even like to be thin. It's like I worked hard for these fats to build up, that I find it sad to make them go away. I do not get hurt by all the labels people tease, from the word fat, itself, to PIG, elephant, and all those huge/fat animals. Sometimes, I do get hurt when I was younger, but they're real. I may not be a pig in a literal sense, but I really am, because I'm fat. That is why I don't mind them, since they are true.

I am BORN fat. I grew up fat. Since I was a kid, people have been telling me to reduce. Up until now, I haven't taken their suggestions. They have bribed me, specially my father. Their bribery doesn't seem to work on my fat sorry ass.

Now, I'm in my another life's turning point. Should I reduce weight or should I not? I know I should reduce weight, but it's easier said than done. The reasons why I'm taking a right path on this is because of health risks. It's not because I grew tired of all the criticisms people punch right into my face or because I want all the boys to come running after me, drooling. NO! DAMN! That would be suicidal. Down right scary!

Others may say the reasons are BOYS. They thought that boys are the reasons why, because they knew that some boys say, "Mars is pretty, but she's fat", "If only Mars is not fat, I would court her". Yes, they told me that in an IN-YOUR-FACE manner! To clear this one, HELL NO, boys are so out of the way. HEALTH RISKS are the reasons why, I don't want to die early.

It's really funny how contradicting my relatives and friends are with regards to my physical state. My relatives want me to reduce weight, to reduce my health risk, and so am I. My friends, on the other hand, do not want me to reduce weight. They want me to stay as I am, they have a belief that once I get slim, I'll get all their boys. They say that I am so beautiful, and they are thankful that I'm fat, because if I weren't, all the boys' eyes would stare at me. They got a good tongue in uplifting my spirit. It's their belief, but I don't believe in it.

What am I gonna do, now? It's so hard. And even though I choose to reduce weight, I surely know that I can't, as what I stated, it's easier said than done.

I shall reduce weight, and God, help me accomplish this difficult-to-achieve task. I don't want to be so thin, just a slight change, a little healthier body enough to avoid health risks.

Who wants to eat? Midnight snacks, anyone?

boring break || badmouthing GD haters

My last post was on August 27, 2009...
and this is the post after that, today's date is October 12, 2009.
Quite long, huh?

I may be the person who stands with the saying, "promises are made to be broken". I don't really intend to break the promises I make, it just happens that I usually break (unintentionally) the promises I've made.

I've declared in twitter that I'll work on this blog this October, since I'm a student and a busy person, a sembreak is the only BREAK I got to work on something unrelated to school, and is not required. And, to further reiterate it, I've broken this promise, again. Damn me!

I'm writing these things down(because I'm bored), just to have another post. I'm planning on closing this blog, and not making another, but my efforts and time spent starting this would be worthless, so I'll just continue with this, but don't expect anything magnificent. This blog will still be and always be UNDER CONSTRUCTION, until the time will come that I won't be lazy enough (I may be the laziest person you'll ever know) and I'll stop with my perspective that doing this would be a waste of time, that I'll have more fun things to do outside in the real world than in the internet, that blah blah blah, etc. I have so much lame excuses.

Please do understand me, I'm a misunderstood jerk (actually, it's my friend who is, I used her self-made description of herself, LOL). I love writing, it's my passion, I think I'm good at it, but I know I'm not that good at it. Blogging enhances my writing skills. For me, if I won't blog, I become dull. It's my own point of view, anyway, but I think it's not real, even without blogging, school stuff, especially research, spins my head right round, right round, like a record. [GD did not plagiarize flo-rida's right round, you f*cking son of a whore!!! He didn't plagiarize oasis' she's electric and katherine mcphee's song either! you jealous, attention-grabbing, noise-making bitches! you will never have the spotlight!] My APOLOGIES! [and you should apologize to G-Dragon and to all the VIPs! You should apologize to us on your knees on the salt-and-sugar-covered floor!] *me talking to myself: Mars, STOP!*

Woah! Didn't see that coming. *chuckles*
I don't have anything to say right now, these GD issues just blocked me, and while I was typing, my sister interrupted me. I don't know how to end this post, so I'm gonna end it at this very moment, at this very word, period.