Lately, my posts have been outbursts of emotions, especially sadness, but I don't want to forever dwell in these sad confines.
I said I can never be happy, but as long as my father is alive and healthy, I'd be. My father is alive, but is not entirely healthy. He still suffers from fever, it never leaves him. He says he's so tired. I never knew the whole story, until my mom finally unraveled it all. Tears were slowly forming in her eyes while sharing the story; how my father acts and says like he was going to perish, soon. Statements like, "Take care of our children", "I'm so tired", he was losing hope.
I try to find things that could make me happy. Big Bang makes me happy, G-Dragon makes me happy, Lakers winning makes me happy, Kobe makes me happy, my friends can make me happy.
There are hundreds of factors that could make me happy, even food can, but I'm home. My father is here, now, they arrived here yesterday. Seeing my father breathe deeply, when I touch him, he is so hot, he doesn't feel well, he doesn't like to eat, seeing him in a condition that no one ever asked to be in, sadness just digs deeper into my heart.
How could I ever be happy? If I go out and have some fun, my mind still searches its way to the part of my brain where my father lies. Then I come to think, how dare I to party here, yet my father is suffering. I should be damned for having fun, yet my mother is suffering, of all the people, she is the one who directly feels what my father feels. She doesn't suffer form the diseases, but she witnessed what my father is going through, she knows, she's the half of my father's heart.
I'm so boring right now. I just am. I'm just plain boring. Sadness is boring, being sad is boring. I want to be happy, again. I miss being feisty.
There's only one way for all of us to become happy, again. My father should be healthy. If my father is healthy, we will all be happy. As simple as that. It's logic. God, be with us.