Monday, December 20, 2010

A Greater Sin

My mind is absolutely baffled and confused right now. I need to find myself and to find God. I believe in God so much, I entrust everything to Him, I have so much faith in Him, I believe that He is omnipotent, omnipresent, and omniscient, I put Him above everything else. Though my closeness with Him today is not the same level of closeness we had the past years, I don't question and doubt Him, I still believe in Him. No matter how great and how many a problem that arises in my life, I still go back to Him, and rely on Him, I always do.

Yesterday night, while watching the Philippine Azkals game against Indonesia in the AFF Suzuki Cup 2010, I prayed so hard for them to goal and eventually win. On the contrary, it was Indonesia who first got the goal of the game, and the unexpected tears just came falling. I remember the Christmas game of Lakers against Miami Heat, when they lost, I lost faith in God (Confessions of a Los Angeles Lakers Lover). I don't want that scene to ever happen again, I never wanted that to happen, again, but yesterday night, it happened, though not as emotional and dramatic as the past. What makes it more sad and a greater sin, is that I just recently established my love for the Philippine Azkals, and I already questioned God at this early stage of my relationship with them. I could understand myself if the cause was the Lakers or a very tremendous family problem, but I just knew Azkals for only three days, and I already acted that way. The rush of emotions I had yesterday night, it was like they have been a part of my life for three years.

My humiliating act in the eyes of the believers of God yesterday night was not a usual drop of faith, it was something odd that is very hard to explain. It was a question of the mind, a skepticism I could not avoid. Is it wrong to believe in God? My belief in Him was the same ground that caused by doubt in Him. It is because I believe in God so much, thinking that He can control everything, but why can't He grant my prayers? Why can't He do what I wish Him to do? Why is believing not working anymore? Is it wrong to believe in God so much? I have my own answer for this queries, but it has not sunk in yet to the deepness of my soul. The answer is clear, my prayers is not the only prayers God is listening to. I am not the only person that God is being God to. I am not the only subject of God. The whole human population depend on God, not only me. If I was believing that the Azkals could goal, the Indonesians who were watching the game live in the arena were also believing that their team could goal, and they were greater in number. Who was I to beat them?

God is just like a political system, and I refer to Almond and Powell's structure of the political system. The interest articulated to the system are aggregated; they are combined and transformed into numerous major alternatives. Prayers are the interests, demands, needs, and claims of the people, and God aggregates them, then God makes authoritative decisions directed towards these interests and are fed back to the people. My prayer is not the only prayer that God is listening to, and not the only prayer He aims to grant and answer. He aggregates our prayers, which answer will be for the common good, not just for me.

I am really sorry Lord God, I hope You will accept my apology. Forgive me Lord, I know not what I do. I still believe in You, Lord, I still do, and I know that You know that very well. I will go back home to You, Lord God, and I hope that you will open Your doors to me, which I know that it is always open to everyone. Please welcome me into Your kingdom, Lord God. I am very sorry.

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